||[Sep. 22nd, 2007|09:51 am]
So, im working two jobs right now, finally back in the groove of things. 1 is at the community center nursery from 9 till 11:45 with some of the greatest kids alive! and the second is at Long john silvers with some of the biggest rednecks alive,... which is beginning to make me totally miserable, noone does what there susposed to do, and i always end up doing more than anyone just not to be bored. theres no business, plus being busy is keeping my mind off of things....|
so yeah, I have pretty much decided life sucks and theres no way there is a god... you would think that after my grandmother died i would have fully believed that, because she is the only reason i knew who that strange man everyone talks about and no one sees existed. I watched her suffer and die in my bed when i was in seventh grade, and now my mommaw one of the most important people in my life is looking towards the same fate.... no wonder i dont trust, and im glad i didnt because this would have been a massive let down... cancer. Go Fuckn Figure
On the up side, ive been going to the gym, since i work there i get in free, i WILL get myself looking better. I wont be fat anymore and i will BUST MY ASS to be thin and beautiful, yesterday i did a mile and a half, took a yoga class, did massive leg lifts at 80 lbs, to tighten my thighs, and ran on an eliptical machine for almost a hour, and a while on the sit up machine with the weight set to 60... smoking isnt helping for more than one reason but i cant quit, and almost dont want to, even if 2 of the most important people in my life dont want me to. givin the fact that 1 had died of cancer and one has her insides eaten up with it. Im working on it, and i cant wait to feel good about myself again, like when i was sick before, skinny, but its not good enough.
*Please keek in mind that im 5'7'' and have a large frame"
I know the game, i know the tricks, Its been three years and the wonderful man im with somehow managed to convince me that im beautiful, and wanted me to change nothing, now three years later and he is still wonderful, but im still not happy. I missed you anna, and it was definately nice to see you again, thank you for whispering in my ear so long and reminding me that you were always there for me.